i was recently reminded by a “surprise” renewal charge on my card, that i have a blog.
this blog.
i was supposed to be writing a weekly one of these, but, i tend to pick up hobbies and then i kinda, forget. Or i get intimidated by my own unrealistic expectations, or i get all cosmic “existential” nihilist and question the very purpose of why i do these creative things in the first place. Is it a thirst for validation or a need for attention?
i will definitely say that not writing the blog doesn’t mean that I’m not actively being creative. These past 12 months have been the most creative and artistically transformative period of my lifetime. I have done murals and painted at a pace that made me question if I’m deeply inspired or just having undiagnosed manic episodes. The habitual creative act that i have developed has become a constant opportunity for self evaluation and introspection. I have been using paint and sounds to explore the bittersweet nature of the human condition. And it is that, it’s bittersweet.
BITTER SWEET.
i really like that word, i really like that feeling. It’s probably the one recurrent feeling in my creative act and my life.
It’s all bittersweet.
but yeah. I think i got a bit intimidated by the idea of the “blogosphere” and how competitive and tedious it appeared. You see, whenever i start a new thing (hobby), i go to the YouTubes and watch some videos about the thing i want to do and blogging got really technical. There’s all these guidelines that the big bloggers have about SEOs and growth strategies and i felt as if it was too much for me. I got overwhelmed. then life happened (as it tends to) and I COMPLETELY forgot that i had a blog. Until now. Because i got charged for another year of having a website. So hurray for auto pay.
When i say that life ”happened”, I don’t mean it as a purely negative statement. Life just happens, i got busy doing art stuff, then work, family, friends, again, most of these things are good, i just forgot about the blog.
I did grow as a creative this past year. I learned that there isn’t one objective way to express creativity. i Recently fell in love with Basquiat the way i fell in love with Frank Ocean years ago. I’ve had long nights of introspective writing, about art, about life, about ego, about god. I’ve held newborns for the first time and spoke with elders for a final time. I cheered for Kendrick. I’ve sat in silence eating ice cream at a thumping nightclub and I’ve had loud insomniac episodes in the dead silence of night. I’ve struggled with my masculinity, both to strip myself of all that is sickening and to cultivate what can be healthy about it. I learned to find order in chaos and discord in that which we value as objective.
“the more i learn, the less i know.”
this brings me clarity.
I’ve been practicing my writing chops and i think ive gotten pretty decent at it. So I’m gonna give this blogging thing another try. But at my own pace.
forget parameters, SEOs and strategies. If opportunity comes knocking, I’ll welcome it, but if it doesn’t, i wont sit around expecting it, stressing over paragraph word counts or engagement thingymagigs.
y’all gonna see me when you see me, but never before that.
I just want to find something that resembles freedom through creativity.
So no schedules. No planned stuff.
Im creative everyday, i just don’t announce it everyday.
Im just trying to be here now.
be here now.
-adan :mudman: